The b*tch is back
by Aire Tame Guh
Summary: The sequel to Final Fantasy R. Sephiroth has inserted Aeris into DJ's world by allowing her to manipulate Lisa! Expect a lot of laughs as the Rockets try to save the world from Sephiroth, and Lisa tries to save herself from Aeris! Stronger language is use


Disclaimer: Nope, sorry. I still don't own Final Fantasy 7, or any of its characters. I'm still limited to owning a copy of the game, and a few save files. Final Fantasy 7 is STILL © Squaresoft 1997.And unfortunately, I don't own Gitaroo Man either. KOEI are the lucky souls that do that. As you may (or may not) know, I do own Rocket Air, which is my own manga work (it hasn't been published yet, but it soon will be, hopefully).This means that this isn't DJ as in myself, it is a complete different reality in which DJ has 50 busty girlfriends. If I ever mean myself personally, I will be referred to as "I", but DJ the character will always be in third-person tense. Oh, and by the way.  
  
Breasts. *Repeats it about 50 times.*  
  
Now that THAT'S outta my system, we can start Final Fantasy R's sequel:  
  
THE BITCH IS BACK!  
  
"You doing OK, Aimes?" DJ asked. Amy smiled at him. "Hey, as long as there's no trace of anything pink, giggly, hyperactive and in the business of prostitution, I'm happy!" She replied, cheerfully. "Aeris was clearly nothing but trouble." "Yeah." DJ took a sip of his Budweiser. "Well, at least she was kinda cute." Suddenly, everyone froze and stared at DJ, who was still thinking about what was going on. "WHA-!? How did THAT get in my head!? There's no way I just said that!" Amy and Lisa cuddled him. "Poor DJ." they both said.  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere in the North Crater, a tall figure with long, silver hair stood with the Jenova-ABSOLUTE monster. "First Strife-san, and now HIM?" Jenova asked. "Really, Sephiroth. don't you think the puppet system is getting old?" Sephiroth turned to face Jenova-ABSOLUTE. "Just once more, Mommy!" he whined with huge, sparkly Anime eyes. "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" Jenova-ABSOLUTE sighed. "OK. Once more." She agreed. "But after this you're getting your hair cut. No arguments!"  
  
In Tokyo, Japan, it was time for our would-be heroes to sleep. DJ was sleeping in the same bed as Amy (as usual), and Lisa was sleeping in the bed opposite. For descriptions of the characters, please read Final Fantasy R, as there's a part of Amy's description that I've promised to tone down with describing. The only person having any difficulty sleeping was DJ. In his dream, all he saw was an endless blue. A shadowed silhouette drifted into view from afar. "....DJ.......help me........" DJ had heard quite enough of that last night. Having to rescue his least favourite character so many times really hadn't helped him in any case. But DJ was a caring boy, and was always happy to help. The voice seemed obscure because this was a dream. "I'll save you!" DJ called out. "Wait. who am I saving?" All DJ heard from there was giggling. "Err.. Amy?" "Tee-hee. Nope!" The voice called. "OK, then. Debbie?" "Tee-hee! Not even close!" DJ was starting to get worried. "Lisa?" The figure drifted closer. The shadow seemed to drift out of view, and DJ could identify some colour. "No. you're not." DJ realised that it wasn't Lisa who needed help. He couldn't remember the last time she wore pink, if she ever had done. What DJ didn't realise was that Lisa would need his help. Very soon. "So, then, who ARE you?" DJ finally called out. The figure was now at point-blank range, and DJ could easily pick out five words to describe it:  
  
Pink. Giggly. Childish. Hypocritical. Annoying.  
  
DJ awoke with a jolt, and a scream loud enough to pierce ears. Amy slowly woke up to see what was troubling him. "DJ, what's the matter?" she asked. "It's three in the morning." DJ didn't reply. He just lay there, at the side of the bed, after slipping down it. Amy lifted him to his feet. "Are you OK?" she asked, lovingly. DJ opened his mouth to speak, but whatever words he had in mind seemed vacant. "Did you have a bad dream?" DJ could only nod. "Was there a monster?" Amy asked. DJ didn't move. "Was it a scary, flesh-eating, blood-sucking, stomach-curdling beast with razor-sharp fangs, acidic sweat and a fetish for stealing souls?" Amy stammered. DJ turned to face her, his green eyes locking onto the goldness of hers. "W-w-w-worse." DJ replied. It wasn't like him to get scared. Not even when he was staring Demon Gate in the face did he break into a sweat. He was practically flooding the bed now, though, and he was hoping it WAS just sweat. DJ looked ahead at Lisa. Why didn't his scream awaken her? "H-hey, Amy, is Lisa OK?" DJ asked. "She hasn't woken up. maybe she's really tired?" Amy suggested. "....DJ.......help me........" DJ heard the voice again. This time, it was clear as day. "Amy, I just heard Lisa's voice," he explained. "She's calling me for help. Something's wrong." As soon as DJ finished his sentence, Lisa stirred in her sleep. She kept turning over, tucking herself into a ball and clenching her fists tightly. It was as though Lisa was trying to fight something inside her. "Are you OK, Lisa?" Amy asked. She didn't reply. Instead, she threw the covers off her bed, staggered towards the door and fell against it, her eyes closed for the entire duration. DJ rushed towards her and grasped her shoulders. "Lisa, snap out of it! What's wrong with you?" DJ asked. It was at that moment that Lisa finally opened her eyes. A look of confusion crossed DJ's face. Weren't Lisa's eyes blue before? Now they were green. But neither the friendly type of green in DJ's eyes, nor the coldness of the green in Sephiroth's. "DJ?" Lisa asked, slowly. "What is it?" DJ replied. His voice was calm, so as not to frighten Lisa after the incident. She stared into his eyes, smiling widely. "..let's go sell some flowers. Pretty please?"  
  
Amy gasped in horror as Lisa finished her sentence. This was not like her at all. Amy surveyed the notable changes. Nothing much had changed about Lisa's body, just her eyes were green now, her voice was higher-pitched and the magical flame on her ponytail was gone. The way she was acting? That was a different story. Why would Lisa want to sell flowers at three in the morning? Before Amy could think any further, Lisa was staring into her eyes. "What time is it?" she asked. "Err, three AM." Amy replied. "Oh, my golly! I should get ready for bed!" Lisa cried out. Amy looked puzzled. "But. you ARE ready for bed." She said. Lisa shook her head. DJ wanted to kill me for inserting that line with the rhyme. (That one, too!) "I CAN'T be ready for bed! I'm still wearing something!" This caused DJ and Amy's mouths to drop open in shock. If there was one thing they knew about Lisa, it was that she was NOT an exhibitionist. In a nudist hot spring, she'd be the only one still in her tiger-stripe bikini. She was advancing toward DJ now, arms outstretched. "Will you help me get ready?" She asked, seductively. DJ glanced around the room, looking for some kind of solution. An exit, of some kind. Then he caught Lisa's reflection in a mirror. OR WAS IT?! Lisa's so-called reflection had different-styled hair, a gigantic pink bow, and was wearing a red jacket with a pink, low-cut dress. Then the words flashed through his mind again: Pink. Giggly. Childish. Hypocritical. Annoying. There was only one girl DJ knew who could fit that description. "Aeris Gainsborough!!" he screamed.  
  
Well, now things were getting somewhere. Lisa was just about to remove her nightshirt when the blueness of her eyes returned. The flame for her ponytail returned too. Lisa glanced around, noting DJ and Amy's shocked expressions. "What's going on?" Lisa asked. "Why do I look like I'm about to take my shirt off? And what's the matter with you two?" DJ was the first to speak. "gulp! Sh-sh-she's back." DJ stammered. "What? Who's back?" Lisa demanded. "The slut from the slums: Aeris." Amy continued. "She's returned!" Lisa quickly hopped into her fighting pose. "Where? Where is she!?" Lisa demanded. DJ could only stand, stare, and lightly point in Lisa's direction. "Inside you." He softly stated.  
  
Lisa turned to the mirror to see Aeris staring back at her. "What the-!?" she shrieked. "Get out of my body!" The reflection seemed to move on its own. "Believe me, the feeling's quite mutual." Aeris replied. "I don't know what Sephiroth's done here, but you're going to have to live with it! Now, let me regain control of your body. These flowers. AND this body. don't sell themselves, you know!" After hearing this, Lisa was outraged. "Listen here, you little fictional hussy! Nobody, I don't care WHO they are, is putting a price on MY body! You've got your own anyway! Leave me alone!" Nobody else knew what to say. DJ and Amy turned to each other, exchanging horrified looks, as they once again gazed at DJ's cousin fighting with a reflection that had a mind of its own. "I just thought I'd warn you, my manipulations are going to be more frequent, and last for longer." Aeris taunted. "And it will keep continuing until eventually, YOU become ME!" Aeris laughed evilly as Lisa fell back, holding the sides of her head, and slipped out of consciousness.  
  
Back in Midgar, a certain fat, perverse letch was going through a spot of trouble. He usually gets three girls, chooses one of them, and then. umm. oh, what the Hell? Shags her, basically. His problem was, he only had two! "Oh boy, oh booooooooy, oh boy." Corneo panicked. "What am I gonna do if I only have two girls to choose from? Why must I suffer such misfortune?" Because the third girl's pretty much given up on life Because the third girl's pretty sure she'll win Because the third girl doesn't know what the Hell's going on. The Don was now pacing back and forth in his office, occasionally glancing in the direction of his private room. "This sucks." he whined.  
  
Just up above, Lisa had somehow freely passed into the Final Fantasy 7 realm and was checking out the Sector 6 reactor. Unfortunately, some of the bridge had been destroyed by debris from when Sector 7 was destroyed, and due to a misplaced foot, Lisa slipped and fell down! "Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap,." Lisa screamed as she hurtled toward a strange, big house in Wall Market.  
  
"Just what the Hell am I supposed to do about a third girl?!" The Don asked himself. His pupils grew very big and he was starting to foam at the mouth. "I will NOT break tradition! No way! I need women! 61!" Corneo snapped out of it when he heard our heroine cry "Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!" and smash through the roof, bouncing off his bed, and hitting the floor. Corneo jumped onto the edge of his bed and watched over her. "Thank you, God!" Corneo cried as he activated his Codec. (Nope, I don't own Metal Gear Solid either. I'm so unlucky!!!) "Seifer! It's me, Corneo. Yep, I've finally found a new chicky!. Yeah, she's veeeeeeeeery nice! I'm telling you, Seifer, sexy is an understatement to say the least!. Brown hair in a ponytail. there used to be a flame there, but it's gone now. I'd say she's about 5 foot 7 or 8. Of course she only has two feet!. God, Seifer, you know what I meant!. Oh yeah, OH YEAH, they're big. They are big! This girl would beat the other two hands-down!. eyes? I dunno, she's got 'em closed. Lemme check the eyes." Corneo was about to lean over and open one of Lisa's eyes when she woke up, holding her head. Corneo jumped back. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Green eyes! I always had a fetish for green eyes!" he called. Aeris realised where she was. 'Great! It's Corneo's house!' She thought. 'This could be perfect to ruin that girl's reputation! Heh-heh-heh.' Of course, we all know (or will know once you've read this) that Lisa wasn't an exhibitionist, OR the type to get obsessed with sex. So, by choice, Lisa wouldn't be caught dead in a place like this. Was Aeris about to completely ruin that?  
  
Back in Tokyo, DJ was playing Gitaroo Man. He had kicked Zowie's butt on Master Mode again. (I actually accomplished that on August 3rd, 2002!) Amy seemed worried. "DJ, where's Lisa? I haven't seen her all day." Amy asked. "Hmm. good question." DJ replied. "We should try contacting her." DJ activated his Codec. It took five rings before Lisa answered. "Lisa, where are you?" DJ asked. A high-pitched giggle responded to the question. "I'm at Don Corneo's house, and I'm about to get completely screwed! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaa!!!" "Shit!" DJ cried. "Amy, we have to go back to the FF realm! Lisa's in a shitload of trouble!"  
  
Back at Corneo's house, the Don was doing that hip thrust thing he does so often. "Come to daddy!" he barked, as he dived at Lisa. At the very last moment, Lisa's eyes flashed blue as she rolled out of the way, leaving Corneo flat on his face. "What the Hell!?" Lisa called. "Why the Hell am I here, of all places?" Corneo turned to face her. "What? Now your eyes are blue? Were you wearing artificial contacts?" Lisa kicked him in the gut and he crouched to the floor. "Do you have an artificial brain?! That slut from the slums is trying to control my mind!" Lisa caught sight of the Aeris reflection again. "What are you trying to do to me?!" Lisa asked. "Tee-hee! I'm going to keep controlling you, and make you do all sorts of naughty, nasty and fun things!" Aeris replied. "Don't even think about it, bitch! I've got a reputation to keep, ya know!?" Aeris just laughed. "There's nothing you can do about your so-called reputation now! You're all dirty now. Like a slut!" "In case you didn't see, I did nothing of the sort, and YOU didn't manage to either!" Lisa grinned. Aeris' plan had hit a snag since Lisa was able to regain control. Seifer casually walked into the room, holding DJ and Amy by handcuffs. "These two were trying to infiltrate this place, sir!" Seifer barked. Lisa turned to face him. "Oh, so you're HIS knight now, are you?" she smiled. This was pretty funny to her. "You!?" Seifer called. "What are YOU doing here?!" "It's not by choice, thank you very much! Now, release my friends, or I'll burn you to a cinder!" Lisa held out her palm and a beam of fire started to generate. Seifer quickly released DJ and Amy, then ran away. DJ was sure Seifer had just wet his pants. (Apologies to any Seifer fans out there.) "Lisa, are you all right?" DJ asked. Lisa ran up and threw her arms over him. "DJ, get me outta here! I'm starting to feel sick!" she replied. Corneo stopped them as he caught sight of Amy. "Wooooooooooow!!!!! You've got to be my girl for tonight! I'll meet any price!!!" he called, thrusting his hips again. Amy made a face. "I'm not a hoe, ya know. Besides, there's only one guy I belong to." DJ blushed as they left. Corneo just started banging his fist against the wall. "WHY ME!? WHY ME!? WHY ME!? WHY ME!?" he cried.  
  
The crew were back at home in Tokyo now, and Lisa had decided to take a nap. But visions of what could have happened if she wasn't so lucky kept her awake. 'Aeris' existence should be illegal.' she thought. "What's that you're thinking about me?" Aeris' voice called. Lisa sat up, looked in her mirror, and there she was. "What do YOU want!?" Lisa asked. "Well, a car would be nice, and lots of flowers to sell with my body. or rather, YOURS." "Nice try, Gainsborough, but I'm NOT gonna be your slave!" Lisa cried. "Never in a million years!" "Oh, I think you will." Aeris replied. "The only way you can possibly stop me from doing this is if you got Sephiroth to cancel it, and I doubt if you have that capability." "Just watch me! I'll blast through that North Crater barrier myself! And I'll try everything to get my freedom back! Threats, bribery, Duel Monsters, you name it!" Aeris raised an eyebrow. "EVERYTHING?" she asked. "EVERYTHING!" Lisa repeated. Aeris cackled. "So, you'd sleep with him?" Lisa could have puked. Frankly, she was drawing the line at Duel Monsters, because she didn't have many cards. And knowing Sephiroth, he'd have a few hundred Blue-eyes White Dragons in a deck. (Before you ask, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!) "You sorry bitch!" Lisa cried as she sent her right fist flying into the mirror, where the reflection of Aeris was. The mirror cracked and smashed into a few thousand pieces. "...........THAT HURT!" Aeris cried. "DJ, help!!!!" DJ rushed into the room. "Who was calling me?" he asked. Then he noticed the mirror. "Whoa! What happened here?" "She got mad and punched me!" Aeris pouted. "I'm gonna tell on her!" DJ just stared. "Or. I have an even better idea!" "What are you gonna do?" DJ asked. The shattered glass started to melt, then it oozed along the base of the mirror, filling it out before becoming solid again. Aeris winked. "I'm gonna show this body the greatest time one can have in the Red Light District!" Aeris cackled. Lisa's face went red with embarrassment, shock and rage. "DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!" she screamed. Then, as if from out of nowhere, Lisa pulled some massive chains out from under the bed. "Wait there, DJ." Lisa said as she grabbed her nightshirt and ran off to get changed. Aeris was still in the mirror. She tried ripping her dress off to show DJ the "goods", but he instinctively looked away. I mean, what's so good about it anyway? "So, I take it this means you're no longer chasing after me?" DJ asked, hopefully. "Of course I love you, silly!" Aeris smiled. DJ cringed at the thought. "It's just that Sephiroth's decided to attempt to make me one with your cousin, and she's a little hard to handle." "That's because you're trying to take over her mind, and do things that she wouldn't be caught doing in a million billion years!" DJ retorted. Aeris turned her nose up. "What is it with you guys and your millions of years?" she asked. Before DJ could come out with a witty remark, Lisa returned, dressed in her nightshirt. She lay face-up on her bed, resting her head on the pillow. "DJ, I'd like you to chain me up, please." Lisa asked. DJ blushed. "Don't think of it like that, silly! Just go along with the plan." DJ obediently started chaining Lisa to the bed. Aeris smiled. "Ooh, I love a little S and M. It gets me soooooooooo hot and soooooooooo in the mood to sell flowers!" she said. DJ ignored this, and finished the chaining. "Now what?" DJ asked. "Put the covers back on." Lisa replied. As DJ obeyed, Aeris got a little confused. "Hey, wait a minute! What are you doing?!" Aeris snapped. "I told you I wasn't gonna be your slave, Aeris!" Lisa retorted. "You can't SELL my body if you can't MOVE it!" "Hah! I can still lure people here and they'll take advantage of your situation!" Aeris snapped. "I seriously doubt it!" Lisa snapped back. "I've taken every sexual activity into account and positioned myself so that NO advantages can be taken! No seductive poses. No legs apart. No nothing! Got it?" Aeris was pissed! The reflection of her disappeared. DJ was starting to get a little worried. "When Aeris disappears like that, it usually means she's going to attempt to manipulate you again." he said. "Don't worry, DJ. There's nothing she can do this time!" Lisa replied, victoriously.  
  
DJ and Amy had invited Shane, Darren and Debbie to the house so that they could plan their attack on Sephiroth, and ultimately end Lisa's worst nightmare. Cookie had joined in as well, as he was also part of the team. Now they were taking one last sleep before the big attack. At least, all but one. "Uuugh. out. get out of my mind, Aeris!." Once again, Lisa was having trouble keeping a hold of her consciousness. But with the chains in place, there'd be nothing Aeris could do. At least she hoped there'd be nothing. An audible breakage of metal caused DJ to wake up. "Huh? What's going on?" DJ asked. Then he caught sight of Lisa.  
  
It seemed like in their plan to stop Aeris, DJ and Lisa forgot to take strength into consideration! Using Lisa's power and dynamism, Aeris had broken through the chains like butter! "Oh, Goddammit! Not again!" DJ called. There was only one thing for it! DJ would have to stop Aeris at any cost! In an act of desperation, DJ dived at Lisa, hoping to pin her to the floor. But what followed next could only induce shock: Lisa was diving at DJ as well! One head-on collision later and they were both on the floor, stunned. Lisa was the first to stand. "So, you thought you'd be able to stop me, huh?" Lisa asked in Aeris' voice. "Damn it! That was our best option!" DJ called. This was not going so well. Lisa dragged DJ to his feet. "Stop it! Let me go!" "Well, since you wanted me to stay here so much." she started, glancing around the room. "I guess the First Annual Shagathon could start with. you." "What!?" DJ cried.  
  
Before another move could be made, DJ twisted to turn his back on Lisa and launched her over his shoulder. The trick was to knock her out, while minimising any damage. What kind of attacks did DJ have to accomplish that? "I've got it! Electrical Meltdown!!" DJ called. A long cuboid of electricity flashed above DJ's hands. The only problem was, before DJ could use this attack, Lisa had knocked him down again! "DJ, why are you resisting me?" she asked. "Lisa, you're not yourself! Snap out of it! The slut from the slums is trying to control you again! If you don't stop, God only knows how embarrassed you could be in the long run!" Lisa was about to tear away her nightshirt like Aeris almost made her do before when a rapid spray of water sent her flying out of the doorway. The impact with the incoming wall knocked her unconscious. DJ looked to his left to see the attacker. "Amy?" DJ asked. "Whether she's manipulated by Aeris or not, Lisa's still a Fire-type RocketGirl." Amy replied. She winked as she finished her sentence, then took on a more serious tone. "DJ, I'm sure you agree this has gone on long enough." "Hell yeah! I mean, I like the attention, but not from Aeris!" DJ walked into the centre of the room. "Wake up everyone! We're gonna go take out Sephiroth and his curse, NOW!"  
  
Meanwhile, in the oh-so-familiar Northern Crater, Sephiroth was contemplating his next move. "Damn it! DJ and his friends are on to me!" he called. "There's got to be a way to defeat them! There's just GOT to be!" Sephiroth equipped a few more Manipulate Materia to his Masamune, and a HypnoCrown to increase manipulation rate. But Jenova-ABSOLUTE was NOT happy. "Sephiroth! You've got to come for your haircut!" Jenova boomed. "But Mom! I just need to make this last calibration, then Aeris can get rid of DJ and his friends for good!" Sephiroth whined. It's NOT like Sephiroth to whine. Not at all. "No arguments! Haircut! Now!!" "But Mom." "And stop calling me Butt-Mom!"  
  
"That's a point: how do we get back to the Final Fantasy realm?" DJ asked. Nobody had a single clue. "Well, how did we get there last time?" Amy asked. "Sephiroth kinda dumped us in the thick of it." DJ replied. "Wait a second! Maybe that flower-selling hussy knows? Lisa, is there any way to tap into Aeris' mind?" Lisa shook her head. "I guess Sephiroth anticipated it." she said. "She can attempt to manipulate me, but I can't tell what she's thinking." Amy looked confused. "You should still be able to read her mind if it's in your body, Lisa." Amy suggested. "It's not that I CAN'T, Amy, it's just that. her mind is completely blank." "What!?" Everyone else cried out concurrently. "Honestly, you guys, I've seen party balloons with more on their minds!" Lisa giggled. "What an airhead." Everyone else chuckled until Lisa fell back a few inches, and her eyes began flashing from blue to green, then back to blue and so on. "I heard that!" Lisa called in Aeris' voice. "Not again! Why can't you leave me alone!? - I told you, Sephiroth put me here! At first I didn't like it, but now I feel that this is the perfect body for me! - Well, tough shit! It's mine! - What!? Have some sympathy! How would you feel if your attack was a wimpy little jump across the screen that was lucky to inflict 14hp of damage?! - That's YOUR problem! It's got NOTHING to do with me!" With each outburst, Lisa's voice kept alternating between Aeris' and her own. DJ's mind was racing, trying to cook up some kind of plan. "We gotta do something!" Shane said. "There's no way that arguing with herself could help Lisa's self-esteem!" DJ found himself walking in Lisa's direction, right when Aeris had fully gained control. DJ held his hands in front of him. "OK, Aeris. You win. You've got me." DJ alleged. "What!?" Everyone else cried again. "Yippee!" Aeris squealed. "So, you'll finally have sex with me?" Now, this was pushing it a bit. DJ wouldn't go THAT far, even if it was to save a friend. would he? "Whatever you want, Aeris." DJ replied. Amy nearly fainted. "DJ, think about what you're getting yourself into." Amy started. DJ turned to face her. "It'll be all right. Trust me." DJ smiled. It was at that moment that Amy knew DJ had some sort of trick up his sleeve, even though he was only wearing a sleeveless jacket as far as tops are concerned. "Aeris, we should do this at your house. I mean, all of my friends here are dying to watch us screw." "We are?" Questioned Debbie. "And what better place to do it than the one place in the slums where flowers grow the best?" Aeris thought for a moment. "Great idea, DJ!" She squealed. "I wonder what Miss Elmyra will think when she sees me in this body! Tee-hee!" Aeris (somehow) summoned her Princess Guard staff and used it to create a rip in the space/time continuum. "Please follow me." She said as she proceeded through the rip. DJ followed. Not seeing any other choice, Shane, Darren, Cookie and Debbie followed too.  
  
Just to prove how unlucky DJ was wherever Aeris was involved, she landed perfectly on her feet (or rather, Lisa's) from the rip, while everyone else crashed facedown on the floor. As if it couldn't be worse, DJ fell in the river! Aeris turned to face Amy. "Geez, with those breasts of yours, I'm surprised you didn't bounce into the stratosphere!" Amy just stared daggers at her. "Are you the only one who HASN'T read the rules with the script?!" Amy asked. "I, for once, would love to be in a fanfic where every other word ISN'T something to do with the female chest!" At this point, DJ had clambered out of the water. But what was this? Why was Aeris still looking for DJ? "DJ? Where did you go? Hey, who's the new girl?" Aeris asked. "New girl?" DJ repeated. He pondered for a second before Debbie looked at him and burst out laughing. Shane and Darren were laughing too, and Amy was blushing while trying to hide her amusement. "Dude, look in a mirror, or something!" Cookie barked, remembering that he could talk in this realm. DJ looked back on the river, checking his reflection.  
  
The girl who was staring back at DJ was beautiful! She had friendly green eyes, long black hair, a lovely tan to her skin, and she even had a few spikes at the top of her head of hair, slightly mimicking DJ's style. And of course, the measurements of Kaori Ohara topped it all off! (As much as I wish I did, I do not own Kaori-Chan.) DJ was admiring his feminine figure when. wait a second. FEMININE? Now DJ realised what was going on! The cold water from the river had activated the Jusenkyo curse! (Nope. I don't own Ranma either. Damn it! Not owning anything sucks!) There was only one thing DJ could say at a moment like this: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"  
  
"Excuse me," Aeris interrupted. "But where's my dear sweet DJ?" DJ honestly could have puked. She interrupted his moment of panic for THIS? "But Aeris, it's me!" DJ replied. "You see, I'm." DJ paused. This could be VERY interesting. Plus, it could be a way of getting Aeris off his back for good. "You see, I'm really a girl, Aeris. That's why I wasn't showing any romantic emotion towards you. I have to admit, it did take some hard work to hide my measurements, but I got fed up of guys asking me out. That's why I disguised myself as one." DJ was doing extremely well not to burst out laughing. This was the corniest bunch of shit he'd ever stirred! It looked like Aeris was buying it, though, as her expression had changed. But wait! Aeris was smiling again! "No problem! I'll turn lesbian!" She beamed. DJ choked. "What!?" He blurted out. "I'd do anything for you, DJ! Even if we are the same sex!" Amy stood in between them. "For one thing, it's GENDER!" Amy cried. "And another thing, DJ isn't interested in you! That's what he. umm, SHE'S been trying to tell you!" Aeris fluttered her eyelashes, and then smirked. "So, Amy, this makes you lesbian too?" Aeris asked. DJ cringed. This plan of his was getting seriously messed up. "Look, let's just go to the Northern Crater so that we can, err." DJ searched his mind for an excuse. "So we can see the Northern Lights?" Good thing Aeris was such an airhead: she bought this too! "OK!" She smiled.  
  
One quick crash of the Highwind later our would-be heroes and heroines had reached the Northern Crater, narrowly escaping a huge blast of Mako energy, which disrupted the mystical force field that previously surrounded the crater. "Damn! What the &^%$*&^$ was that!?" Darren called. Since he was replacing Cid, all his profanities were censored to add imagination. "Whatever it was, it smashed that field surrounding this place." Debbie replied. "Without that beam, we'd have bounced off the crater like Amy's-" Amy swiftly slapped Debbie before she could finish her sentence. "Oy." Was Debbie's annoyed response. "So, what are we doing here, anyway?" Shane asked. "That's what I wanna know!" Cookie barked. Aeris (still in Lisa's body) grabbed DJ. "We're gonna watch the Northern Lights and screw, aren't we, DJ?" Aeris squealed, fluttering her eyelashes. DJ tried to grab something, but ended up slipping through the centre of the crater! "DJ! NO!!!" Amy cried. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!" DJ called. Aeris' naked body may have scared him, but a petty fall sure didn't. DJ gasped in horror when he realised that Aeris was still clinging on to him! "Ya know, if Lisa could regain control, she'd change into her tiger-stripe bikini and fly us outta here!" "She has a tiger-stripe bikini too!? Man, this girl wears too much!" Aeris giggled. The inane, immature, annoying giggling went on until DJ and Aeris crashed into the Lifestream below. "Whoa! Now THAT'S something we don't see every day!" blurted Cait Sith, who had only just arrived. "Shut up, cat." Cookie retorted.  
  
"----What? What is this? ----Man! What a mansion!! ----Wrong line, ya idiot! ----Gomen.----You're supposed to say 'Check out that shooting star!' ----OK. Check out that shooting star! ----That's no shooting star! It's headed right for us! ----Never seen a meteorite that looks so beautiful before.----That's because it's not a meteorite! It's. a girl!? ----Geez, I wonder who she is.----Does this flashback make any sense? ----Search me, mate! ----Whose flashback is it anyway!? ----Who knows? Who cares?"  
  
DJ awoke in a strange looking area, one side was a huge garden with lots and lots of flowers, and for some reason, a single street. The other side, however, had lots of Badass stuff, plus a Playstation 2 linked up to the biggest TV DJ had ever seen! 'Cool.' DJ thought as he proceeded. But he stopped as he realised that HE wasn't the one who needed to move. unconscious on the ground, next to him, was Lisa. Well, at least the right- hand side looked like her. The left hand side of Lisa's body looked like Aeris. "This is too damn weird." DJ said aloud. He made a note of two things: The lifestream had been warm, so he had changed back into a guy, and the sides which were different were pointing to their corresponding areas. So no prizes for guessing that Aeris was pointing towards the flowers. "What do I have to do here? Where am I anyway?" DJ asked. As if to answer his question, Sephiroth materialised right next to DJ. Sephiroth looked a little different from last time, however, as his long, silver hair was now very short. "Greetings, DJ. I believe we have met before." Sephiroth announced. DJ put his hands to his mouth to cover his laughter. "What happened to your hair, dude?" DJ asked. Sephiroth sneered. "Don't make fun of me! It was my mother's choice, not mine!!" "Whatever." DJ yawned. By the way, I don't own Squall! Stop asking me! Just read the damn story! "What do I have to do to get outta here?" "If you want to leave, the exit's right behind you," Sephiroth stated. "However, if you leave now, you'll have no hope of rescuing Lisa. You see, the reason that one half of her looks like Aeris is that Aeris is half-way toward fully manipulating her." "So, if I get Lisa over to THIS side," DJ suspected, pointing at the side with the wide-screen TV "Lisa should return to normal?" "Only if you manage it. But for that to happen, you'll have to defeat ME." Before DJ could say any more, another Playstation 2 and wide-screen TV appeared, with a massive hi-fi system connected to it. "Video games?" DJ asked. "Just what do I have to beat you at, anyway?" Sephiroth cackled. "A Master's mode game. of GITAROO MAN!"  
  
"No problem." DJ replied, taking a controller from one of the tables in the area. What tables were doing here was beyond DJ. He didn't think Sephiroth would have any use for them. Sephiroth picked up the other controller. "I trust you realise the rules of Gitaroo Man." Sephiroth enquired. Of course DJ knew. The aim of the game is to use the left analogue stick to point in the direction of the trace line, and hit the circle button at the appropriate times. When one player is attacking in this way, the other guards by pressing the corresponding button in time to the rhythm. DJ knew this game in and out. But he knew that Sephiroth could be planning something. "Yeah, I know how to play." DJ finally answered. "I've finished Master's mode myself. So, what extra squeaks have you put in?" Sephiroth looked livid as DJ said this. "Squeaks!?" he repeated. "All I've done is set this up so that we can play a Master's Vs mode. It's about time someone made that anyway." "Yeah, you're right." DJ replied. "So, are you gonna choose a song, or should I?" "You!? HAH! My challenge, my rules!" Sephiroth cackled as he flicked through the options, searching for the most difficult song in the Gitaroo Man files. "Ya know, I gotta admit, this isn't exactly how I pictured fighting some Badass SOLDIER." DJ sighed. "But if you don't wanna get your hands dirty." "SILENCE!!" And yes, there was complete silence for a few seconds before a few cricket noises were audible. "OK, the song I've chosen is Bee Jam Blues. Any problem with that?" Bee Jam Blues!? 'Shit!' DJ thought. This WAS a problem. DJ had only managed to beat Mojo King Bee once. And it was HARD. But hey, if he'd done it once, he could do it again, right? DJ took one last look at his opponent before accepting the challenge. "No problem."  
  
Well, this was it. The game had only just begun. "Everybody, there's a new KING in town, get ready. Mojo-Mojo-Mojo-King- BEE!" An unhurried jazz theme blazed through the hi-fi system. DJ spun the left analogue stick with his thumb a couple of times. Sephiroth, however didn't move an inch. He was the first to charge up. After Sephiroth's set of riffs, it was DJ's turn, and they kept alternating between the two. For someone we wouldn't think had time for games, Sephiroth was playing surprisingly well. But there was one trick DJ had up his sleeve that Sephiroth can't have known about.  
  
Meanwhile, back up at the top of the North Crater, Amy and the gang were catching the action reflected off the surface of the Lifestream. "Gitaroo Man!?" Amy questioned. "DJ'll win for sure!" "How can you be sure?" Shane asked. "What if Sephiroth has some kinda cheats? Bad guys do that, ya know." Amy watched the energy bars closely. Neither contestant had lost that much energy yet. "It can't be that bad," Cookie barked. "In fact, I reckon DJ has a good chance! All he has to do is let go of the circle button JUST BEFORE the phrase bar ends. That way, he'll attack Sephiroth some more! DJ hasn't even begun to-" "SHUT UP, COOKIE!!!" Amy suddenly cried in panic. Everyone crowded around her. "Amy, what's the matter with you!?" Darren retorted. "Don't you guys see?" Amy asked. "That's what DJ's been doing the whole time! And still Sephiroth's energy bar's hardly moving!" The entire gang took a close look to see that Amy was right. "Well. crap." Cookie whined.  
  
It was an epic battle. It was a clash of music against music. It was a heck of a good fight. "Was!?" DJ called out. "It's still going, idiot!" Sorry. :p Anyway, with my narrative mistake rectified, DJ and Sephiroth continued their Gitaroo Battle, edging closer and closer to the grand finale. Taking a glance back, DJ noticed that as he gained the lead, Lisa started to edge further towards the right-hand side of the area, whereas when Sephiroth possessed more energy, she was edging toward the left, and looking more like Aeris. DJ would be damned if he was going to let THAT happen. Sure, he liked attention from Lisa, but it was best if it was of her own free will, not in Aeris' frame of mind. With one last blast of the Gitaroo, it was over. Both players had reached the final, but Sephiroth's energy was slightly less than DJ's. Finishing the jazz piece like a pro, DJ had claimed victory. And, of course, to the victor goes the girl. But if DJ had lost, he'd get a girl, but not the one he wanted. "Yeah! Take that, biyotch!" DJ called in victory. Sephiroth was, as he had been three days ago, stunned. "I have to commend you, DJ. Nobody has ever beaten me in this game." Sephiroth said. "But you can only reclaim the girl. if you survive." "That again!?" before DJ could add to his sentence, a small mole appeared. The mole had a star above its head, a lantern in one hand, and a dinky looking knife in the other.  
  
DJ could only stare at the mole. Sephiroth was unsure whether DJ was going to burst out laughing, or crying. "Holy shit, it's a frickin' Tonberry!" DJ exclaimed. "I hate this thing!" Of course, as any Final Fantasy fan would know, Tonberry was an annoying little mole thing that didn't look like much of an opponent, but had an amazingly high amount of hit points and could kill any party member in one shot. But was DJ about to let this happen, after he'd come this far to rescue Lisa? Now come on, that would be stupid, and DJ wasn't the type to act stupid. Well, not most of the time, anyway. Not unless it was to gain some laughs from the viewers, and there was no humour in death unless it's only a character and there's another character there who can't cry without keeping a shred of dignity. *cough*OTACON*cough* (I've already mentioned my misfortune in not owning MGS. I don't own OtaCorp, either.)  
  
Because Sephiroth had only said 'if you survive', DJ had thought that he didn't HAVE to fight Tonberry! He could just grab Lisa and run like Hell! DJ tried his best, but he wasn't getting any action with his traction! DJ looked up and noticed some kind of blue box above his head. He turned about 18 degrees to the left so that he could see what he was reading. "Can't escape!?" DJ exclaimed. "Crap!" It seemed that Sephiroth had planned out everything to the last detail. or had he? DJ took a split- second to remember the fight he got into with Jenova-BIRTH. All Lisa had to do was tear Jenova's head off to kill the thing. What was stopping DJ from doing the same to a slow-moving Tonberry? Of course, upon approaching the Tonberry, it gained the highest-level armour and its knife became a Masamune blade. "Crap!!!" DJ cried as he just barely escaped the blade. A moment later and DJ would have undergone the rest of this adventure without a head! "Now what the Hell am I gonna do!?" DJ shouted as he searched the area frantically. He then caught sight of a sword with a gold handle. DJ instantly dived for the sword and swept it off the ground. causing the extra momentum to pull him backward and onto the floor! DJ instantly recognised the 15-foot blade as the Dragon Slayer. 'Let's see if it works on moles.' DJ thought. DJ shifted his weight forward, bringing the massive blade hurtling along with him. Tonberry stopped in its tracks, looked up and thought 'Oh, shit.' before the mighty Dragon Slayer crashed upon its head, splitting it in two and inexorably bringing its life to a complete stop. While Tonberry was undergoing its polygonal death sequence, a blue flash of light shone through the vertical middle of Lisa. Then, faster than a budgie can blink, Aeris and Lisa were two again, and both had been sent in opposite directions.  
  
"Lisa! Are you all right?" DJ asked, shaking her in a hope to wake her up. "Can you hear me?" Lisa slowly opened her eyes. "Wha-!? Who the Hell's shaking me!?" she cried out in surprise. DJ hastily stopped. "Sorry." He replied, sheepishly. Lisa sat up and looked around. "Is it over?" she asked, softly. "Am I free of the slut from the slums?" "Why does everyone keep calling me that!?" a high-pitched voice screeched. DJ and Lisa looked to the East. There, standing tall and seizing the Dragon Slayer, was Aeris.  
  
Man, this did NOT look good. Aeris was red in the face, with the biggest vein on her forehead DJ had ever seen! She was now swinging the Dragon Slayer in front of her like it was just a mere stick. She was making intimidating moaning and screeching noises, and her mouth was all foamy. Needless to say, Miss Gainsborough was pissed! "Curse you, Lisa!" Aeris screamed. "I'll fight you myself! The Dragon Slayer shall cut you to ribbons! Eat this!" With one hard lunge of the unfeasibly long blade, Aeris had initiated her attack. Lisa allowed herself to fall backward, as if she hadn't done so, she'd be half the RocketGirl they knew! "Is that your best? Damn, you suck, Aeris!" Lisa taunted. "SILENCE!" Cried Aeris. "Silence yourself, Aeris! Go home!" DJ retorted. " 'Go home'!? No, I won't go home. I'm going to destroy the world with the Black Materia. If I have to go, I'm gonna take you all with me!" "There's no future in your dreams, Aeris!" Lisa called back. "Wait, this kinda sounds familiar." DJ said. This, to him, had some resemblance to Gitaroo Man when U-1 and Zowie are arguing with each other near the end. "Hold on, why am I wasting my time with you, Aeris?" Lisa asked. "I'll just take the Dragon Slayer from you and cut you in half again!" "Just try it, bitch!" Aeris snapped. "You couldn't beat me in all of never-ending ETERNITY!" Lisa charged toward her opponent with blistering speeds. As soon as Aeris swung the Dragon Slayer, Lisa leapt high into the air. Aeris couldn't believe it: Lisa had completely cleared the blade, and her foot was now on a collision course with Aeris' head! With one blow, Aeris was knocked back several feet. She seemed to have been sucked into a dimensional rip. "No! Screw you guys!!" Aeris cried. DJ slowly walked toward Lisa. "I'm guessing this is still Sephiroth's Final Fantasy, then?" DJ asked. "I guess so." Lisa replied, hugging her cousin in joy. "Screw this. Let's just go home."  
  
So, there you have it. Sephiroth's mind control had been disposed of, Lisa had her body 100% to herself again (which was a plus because now she could sleep at night) and our (possible) favourite anti-Aeris could chill with his mates once again.  
  
Aeris, however, awoke in a land she'd never seen before. It looked like a young boy's bedroom, too young for what she was used to. "Well. at least nobody here wants to slice me." Aeris sighed in relief. But her relief only lasted until a red demon with an axe floated down beside her and snickered. "Heh-heh-heh-heh!!!" he laughed. "I'm Panpeus, and I'm gonna chop you in half! Heh-heh-heh-heh!!!" Aeris' jawbone hit the floor. "Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"  
  
-  
  
"Heh-heh-heh-heh!!! The Princess Guard is MINE! ...can I eat it?"  
  
And there we go. Somehow I'm not sure if it's as good as Final Fantasy R, but I'll leave it for you to decide. Please R + R, it would be a great help! ^_^ Laterz! aire taMe guH 


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